Meaningful vs. Funcional
Mood: Dispair in joy
I am functional. I do things. (performing or capable of performing)
But so many times I feel so fed up with my current status.
Am I missing something?
Am I capable to run instead of crawl through these waves of need?
Sometimes I want to fight and scream my guts out… What for?
She’s nuts. That’s all I’d probably get.
I get it anyway on a regular basis.
Is my passion bigger than my understanding?
That’s probably it.
So many movies, songs, poems and paintings talk about it.
I am so uneducated, I could probably just take my hat off before the Slumdog Millionaire.
But I know what it feels like.
To know you are made for something bigger,
and be aware that knowing it is too dangerous at the same time.
Being a risk of letting it grow into a pride monster,
crashing what it should be growing.
If I could just have His compassion…
I try, so hard, to do what I am supossed to.
But at the same time I suffer, feeling I am still missing something.
I am missing compassion. I am missing humbleness. I am missing wisdom. I am missing vision. I am missing faith. I am missing strength. I am missing confidence. I am missing tenderness. I am missing freedom. I am missing the whole point of it. I am missing so much love.
I am so sick of poverty. Of being hungry. Tired. Dusty. Sick. Ignorant.
One day, this will all be over.
And I will finally be able to ENJOY the fullness of LIFE once dead to this world.
Finally, the fight will be over. The fight between me and myself.
I will finally be free from this constant failure.
Living life to myself, thoughts, feelings and comfort.
And knowing it’s all wrong
As the song goes, prodigies of the desert and sanctuaries from their time reach me whispering…
The day will come when I shall be with You
I SO want to die…
Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher; vanity of vanities, all is vanity.
In the mean-time… I shall try to do my best (I said “try”) and dream and hope for Crist to come soon (sighs) and set me free. Then… might be when I finally experience what’s really being meaningful.